where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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