i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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