I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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