I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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