Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
