I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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