this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
