I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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