Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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