Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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