She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
FUCK WHALES
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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