Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
