i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
