and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
