To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
