I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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