am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
