I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
