i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
