I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
