every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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