my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
