fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
