Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I can text with my tongue
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
