Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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