Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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