He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
