K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
