He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
