this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
