Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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