I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
