Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
