I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
