i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
