yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
