Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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