Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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