You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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