hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
