Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
