is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
