Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
id be glad to
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
