...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
