went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
