she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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