it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
