You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
