life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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