i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
