Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
